Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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