i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
