So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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