I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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