I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
