Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
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It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
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Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.