Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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