I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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