he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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