I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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