i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
