oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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