It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
