Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.