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I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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