Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.