just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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