You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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