i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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