i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
