And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
