if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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