i love accidental penises.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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