i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
