dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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