Apparently you make a good broom.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
