Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
