Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dignity is for republicans.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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