turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
