Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
