A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.