I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.