thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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