I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
