Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
