I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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