Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
