I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
