Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
They are going to name an STD after you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
