I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
