He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
