She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
