he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
