Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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