tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
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Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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