A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize