what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
