Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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