The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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