My Higher Power is John Stamos
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
