is your mom at the bar?
Jerry, you need to find god
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
