yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
