saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
