Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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