At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
