babies were throwing up all over the place
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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