Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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