Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
