Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
