these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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