Umm I'm too high to move.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
