Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
